The Era of Ugly: Make a Face and Watch While the Suitors Line Up

   So, as you all probably know, my profile picture on facebook is terrifically awful. (Quick explanation: We put so much time and effort into looking good in our defaults, so I decided to fuck it, and put the most unattractive picture possible. So yes, I am aware that I look bad, I am not delusional.)
  I thought I would be getting un-friended after setting that as my profile picture, so you can imagine my shock when someone added me, and you can surely imagine my further shock when this person flirted with me over chat.
 Clearly this boy must have been dropped on his head as a baby, my profile picture is repulsive, and only funny to those who know me. But none the less, he called it "perfection." So it makes me wonder... has a new era dawned? The era of ugly people? It's about time.
  If I had known making ugly faces would attract men, I would have been doing it all along (... oh wait.)

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

   If you're wondering where I get my weird-ness from, wonder no longer. The question has been answered through a rather bizarre texting conversation with my father:
"Is Isabel there?" - Dad
"No, no one is here." - Jacob
"Plans fell through?" - Dad
"Si." -Jacob
"The best laid plans of mice and men..."
"Literary references.... really, dad?"
"I am a doctor of philosophy after all."
"Oh yeah dad, you're a real Plato sometimes. That was sarcasm, incase that wasn't clear over text."
"Explaining your jokes is never a good sign."
"I don't like you."
"But I love you :-(."
"Lies if you loved me you wouldn't abuse me so."
"You have so much to learn about abuse, my pretty."
"AWWWW YOU CALLED ME PRETTY! That's a start."
- he then says he wants to make pizza from scratch-
And we picked up my mom and Matt from the airport listening to the Tracy Chapman CD.
My life is too strange.


Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Thou Shalt Not Sin (well... perhaps a little bit....)

   Tears are rolling down my face, whilst I am typing. I am facing one of the biggest teen decisions of my life (other than the notorious: "Boxers vs. Whitey-Tighties), shall I be an adulterer? Unless you live under a rock (meaning you don't read my blog, because it's totes the new fad, Kim Kardashian tweets about it all the time... ya know... on her other twitter account), you are aware of the blossoming relationship between James Mcavoy and I.
   He is wonderful, and everything I could have wished for. I don't know why I didn't see this before, but after many hours of sunflower petal-picking, and excessive listening to Sarah McLachlan, I have come to my senses. James is the true love of my life, and Michael Fassbender, as alluring as he may seem, he is not worth losing James over.

  You see, over the last few months I have dug myself into a deep shit-hole. I began an affair with yet another actor, Michael Fassbender. To make things even more twisted, James and Michael just finished a movie together, and have become close friends. It would tear James apart if he discovered I was "doing the nasty" with one of his best friends.

  So I must swallow my tears, man up, and do the right thing, which is to end my affair with Michael. All will be mended.

 













Your faithful adulterer, Jacob.

The Best Lyrics the World Has to Offer

  These are, by far, my favorite lyrics to awkwardly scream out in the supermarket. They are crude and I love them:
"Or should I be a lady? Cause I wanna have his babies."
Song: It Kills Me
Artsit: Melanie Fiona

"When I think about you, I touch myself."
Song: I Touch Myself
Artist: The Divinyls

"Why you so upset? Baby, you were there. I was thinking of you when I came." ; "I drank so much, and I needed to touch."
(literally this whole song is full of wonderfully frank verses like this, it's a must listen, it is so clever)
Song: I Heard Love is Blind
Artist: Amy Winehouse

"I hear ya lovin' your girlfriend, I hear ya lovin' yourself too."  (one of the wordiest and amazing songs you will ever hear)
Song: Palov's Daughter
Artist: Regina Spektor

"Then you make this noise... and it's apparent it's all over." ; "You're supposed to care, but you never make me scream." ; "Now I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed, I'm feeling pretty damn hot done by, I spent ages giving head."
Song: Not Fair
Artist: Lilly Allen

"I wish you were more intelligent, so you could see that what you're doing is so shitty."
Song: D******d
Artist: Kate Nash

"If I had a dollar-bill for all the things I've done... there'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin." ; "You can fool with your brother, but don't mess with a missonary man." ; "He said, 'Stop whatcha doing, get down upon your knees, I've a message for you that you better believe."
Song: Missonary Man
Artist: Eurythmics

"Intelligent input darling... why don't you just have another beer then."
Song: Foundations
Artist: Kate Nash

"And are you thinking of me, when you fuck her?"
Song: You Outta Know
Artist: Alanis Morissette

"They say I better get a chaperone, because I can't stop messing with my danger zone."
Song: She Bop
Artist: Cyndi Lauper

"Call before you come, so I can shave my cho-cha."
Song: Work It
Artist: Missy Elliot

"And if anything grows when you pose... I'll oil you up, and rub you down. DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!"
Song: Touch-a-Touch-a-Touch-Me
Artist: Rocky Horror Picture Show

"Luckily my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains."
Song: Whenever, Wherever
Artist: Shakira
(also the whole entire 'Gordita'... that is one nasty song)

"Startin' to feel just a little abused, like a coffee machine in an office." (most accurate lyrics ever written, perhaps?)
Song: She Wolf
Artist: Shakira

"It's been a long since before I've been touched.... now I'm getting touched all the time, and it's a matter of whom, and it's only a matter of when."
Song: Dance Anthem of the 80's
Artist: Regina Spektor

"We could do it just you in me.... or three.... or four.... ON THE FLOOR."
Song: 3
Artist: Britney Spears

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Confessions of a Facebook Stalker

   There is one thing we are all guilty of. It's not adultery, murder, or insider-trading, but facebook stalking. One of the many perks of the modern age is the ability to know everything about your friends, and in turn, your enemies.
I'm going to generalize, and say there are 3 categories in which the people we creep fall under:
1.) Crushes - We constantly want to see what the latest victim of our admiration is up to. We look through their photos hoping we don't see them with anyone else, and if we do, we secretly make voodoo dolls of the offenders, and refuse to 'like' that photo. (since we usually like every other photo our crush posts)
2.) Fascinating Folk - If you're anything like me, you enjoy studying people, and facebook is a fantastic platform for that. I find myself looking at peoples' profiles who I am not particularly friends with/nor have a crush on, but just to see their interactions with other people.
3.) The Nemesis's - In a very 'Godfather' style, we like to: "Keep our friends close... but our enemies closer." And facebook is just peachy for that. You look at their photos and statuses and find yourself thinking: BAHA! They don't look cute in that photo, or , Psssh, they think because 100 people liked their status, they're cool! BITCH PLEASE!
   I hope you stalk me, as much as I stalk you.

Your faithful stalker (HA! Kidding, I mean *blogster), Jacob.

That Old-Timey Sultry

 Where has 'classy sexy' gone? I know that sounds like a contradiction, but I can't help miss when showing less was more sexy than showing it all. It left some to the imagination, and gave a sense of mystique. Lately I've been obsessed with the clip of "Big Spender" from 'Sweet Charity' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG3VfKlfDEk). The choreography is so suttle, yet so effective.
  For example, look at burlesque. It's sexy, entertaining, and even empowering to women. There is a reason burlesque audiences are filled with both men AND women, regardless of sexuality. Burlesque represents the final struggle of that old-time sultry..... now we just have Hooters.
  Why can't we live in the olden days?

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

My Summer Crusade

Our hair will always disappoint us, and our teeth will always appear coffee-stained no matter how hard we scrub them. We shall always be bloated, and our favorite clothes will never be clean.
We will always be 1 point away from a perfect GPA, and our favorite bootleg websites will always crash.    
Youtube will always force us to watch commercials.
Diamonds and eyebrows are the only things that are forever.

   I mean, why do we try to look pretty? There's NO POINT! Our lovers need to get used to the way we normally look, so they won't feel as though they've been deceived when they wake up beside us in the morning. So join me in my crusade against being attractive. Let's show the world who we REALLY are! >:)
   From here on out, I forgo boys, combs, and snobby people. It's just gonna be me, Purple Blanket, and Daggard in my room, dancing until we make it.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Purple Domination

  Better watch out. We're back. We are furious that we recieved no truffles. Now feel our wrath.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Where for Art Thou, Lazy Summer?

   I'm kinda missing that "summer" feeling of just lying around doing absoloutely nothing, since I have drivers' ed from 2:30-4:30pm.... the most awkward time of the day. Which means I can do very little before and after the class. This, my friends, suckiths.
   After drivers' ed, (in 3 more weeks D: ) I have about a week break until my Stages camp.... meh. I have a bad feeling about that camp, I tell you. Don't ask me why, but I just do.
  Prague? Now? Please?

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

The Status Left Unspoken

  That awkward moment where someone shares something on their facebook status that is far too personal and no one responds.
    I would put this as my facebook status, but I don't want to run the chance of someone confronting me, and I end up telling them to go "Suck Tom Cruise's penis!!" (that wouldn't be productive for either of us, don't cha think?) And I don't have enough rep or friends (AKA servants who flock to my natural vanilla scent) to survive the ripple effect that "Suck Tom Cruise's penis!" would cause.     
    So, if you are in need of expressing anger or annoyance, MAKE A BLOG! We can call these, blog statuses! I'm a genius. Quick, call a patent agent!!!

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

P.S. - Truffle. (just thought I would throw that in there, since it's been awhile)

The Diminishing English Language (with a less than friendly narrator)

  DISCLAIMER: This may be slightly offensive to some people. So turn away now.... if u r $3n$itiv3 or if u r @ pub1icA11y @ckn0w13dg3d hip$3r.
  
   The English language has become a joke. Thanks to texting and facebook, everyone speaks like an idiot. Then they make people who actually have the vocabulary of the standard 6th grader seem pretentious. "No, I'm not trying to show off how smart I am, I'm just speaking like a normal human being."
   I mean COME ON PEOPLE! Let's have some respect for our ears. We're almost as bad as cavemen now with all of our acronyms and abbreviations like: SMH, HMU, TBU, etc.
   Also, apparently another new fad is to misuse words and change their meaning:
Boo (and any of its other "forms" such as boothang, etc.) - Boo is not a term of endearment.... it is the sound a ghost makes.
Trick - Trick is a verb, not a noun.
Amazeballs - ..... do I really have to explain why?
Hipster - I have a serious issue with people calling other people hipsters, and I've kept my mouth shut until now. First of all, when I think hipsters, I think hippies. Secondly, when people call someone else a hipster, they usually use this with a negative connotation. "Oh look at that hipster, he thinks he is so cool." (well isn't that what being hip means...? So technically, you're calling him cool.) Also, thinking you're too cool for the people who think "they are too cool" doesn't make you any better.
  If you feel the need to be outside of the box when it comes to your vocab, try pronouncing words with funny accents. For example, you could say lover in a French accent so it's pronounced [love-air], and so on and so forth.
   In the words of one of my friends: "Can't we just speak the Queen's language?"

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.