The Strange Art of Wooing

     Seducing is a bizarre trade. You have to throw away your self-awareness momentarily, as you try to give your desired one a hint that you are interested.
   
     You'd think we could just be blunt, and say: "I don't know about you... but personally, I'm really feeling the urge to f*&!k you right now." But no. That is not, "socially acceptable." Instead, we have to beat around the bush, until someone finally musters up the courage to say a less (much less) crude version of the previous statement. It's preposterous.
   
     Unfortunately, we were not graced with such indestructible confidence, nor eloquence. We mumble and fumble our way through these awkward situations, leaving our crush more confused than when we started.
  
     (Bad analogy) It's like going fishing. You study your prey, discover their interests and hobbies, and use it as bait. Desperate for a bite, you use their interests as a conversation stater, sending messages like: "I saw a chick who kinda looked like Justin Bieber, .... well, ya know, if Justin Bieber were a chick.... and it made me think of you, because I saw on your Facebook that you're a fan of the Biebs, so... yeah...." We're all guilty of it.
  
     FACEBOOK HAS RUINED ANY SMALL CHANCE OF ROMANCE. We know too much about everyone. Not to mention, Facebook justifies obsessive behavior, like stalking. We can't help but follow every post, and every single "Like" they've made. We feel jealous when they comment on someone else's photo. Claiming they toyed with our emotions. Creating false scenarios in our head that we had a "thing." Or the classic, "Like Standoff." How dare they not like my last three statuses! I'm not liking their status, that will show them! MUWHAHAHA!"       

     Maybe you're like me. Too proud to flirt. Thereby unintentionally sending the message, "I'm sorry, I don't know why you're speaking to me. You're not James McAvoy." Then, on the rare occasion you do flirt, it is awkward and too unsubstantial for anyone to notice.
   
     As for the lucky few, who are gutsy enough to walk up to the person they have a crush on and say, "I like you." Bravo. You are already leagues ahead of the rest of us, and you will probably rule the universe one day.
   

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

"My self-worth measured in text-back tempo." - Imogen Heap

Verdict of the World #1

Liking people is not fun, for either side.
Let's all be asexual.


Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

The Ten Commandments; Jacob Style

1.) Thou shalt not refuse truffles, especially if they are dark chocolate.
2.) Thou shalt not imply that Jacob's boyfriend is imaginary, or thou will face beheading.
3.) Thou shall heed thine elders, and Daggard, the magical leaf gnome.
4.) Thou shalt not pretend to be a ballerina, for that is degrading to us true ballerinas.
5.) Thou shall pluck one's brows, for it is the duty of all to ward off the possession of the Unibrow.
6.) Thou shall not speak of GPAs in polite company.
7.) Thou shall seize every opportunity to quote 'Lord of the Rings.'
8.) Thou shall transcribe thine's current language to this pompous form.
9.) Thou shall make ugly faces, and thou shall like it.

10.) Thou shalt not mock, belittle, or disobey these commandments, and thou shalt whisper them to thy self each night, thereby bettering the world.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

"Waiting in Vain"

   I am confused. Have I not made good grades this quarter? Have I not been kind to (most) everyone? Have I not been wonderful? Then why has my lover not rescued me yet? Prague is waiting. I AM WAITING.


Your frustrated blogster, Jacob.
 

Where did all the exciting people go?

MEH.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Seduction Thwarted

   I had to wait until after 3:30 to avoid being captured by a police officer at Starbucks for "skipping school." So it's time to leave, and it suddenly occurs to me, I have no money. I search around in my usual spots where I find loose change.... and nothing (my father must have discovered I was the culprit in the case of the missing change, and hid the remander of it). Luckily, I spot an ancient plastic purple piggy bank that has been around since I was a baby. I let out a cry of victory! ... but I screeched too soon. The purple piggy bank was sealed. So I get scissors and went to town. After disecting at least 28 quaters out of it, I set out.
   My mission was clear: Find my Starbucks Man. Seduce him. Have him take me to Prague..... there was just one small snag, he wasn't working at the Starbucks today. I'm begining to fear he no longer works for the Corporate Coffee Monster. WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LIFE?!?!??!!?!?!
   Homework, obviously. Why else would I have so much of it? The universe must be trying to tell me something, "Stick it out, Jacob. Work hard, and soon enough you'll be in Prague with James Mcavoy cooking for you, as you stare at your Oscar on the nightstand." Obviously.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.
    

The Personification of Jacob's Room: WELCOME TO THE CLUB!

   As I'm sure you know by now, I like to name a lot of inanimate objects in my room, and breathe life into them (or as a more sassy simpleton would say: "Give them names, and think they're real and shit.").
Meet my friends....
There is Mr. Quills, he's the owl who hangs over my bed.
My giant snail.
Purple Blanket.
Daggard the Magical Leaf Gnome.
Owlet (my owl bank)

And now you're meeting the newest addition to our gang, Lionel the Lion: 

Lionel watches over my desk while I am away, and if there is ever an intruder, he releases a mighty roar that can be heard around the globe, and the intruder quakes in fear, pees himself, and runs away (not necessarily that order).

Lionel is awarded a truffle at the end of each day for his duties. He is an essential component to my kingdom.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Let's Elope... please? I'll Give You Tuna

   I've come to the conclusion that I don't like homosexual men. They are rude, bitchy, narcissistic, and as Raven-Symone would say, "NAAAASSTTAYY!" I'm sticking with lesbians.
   For some reason they think they are special because they like penis... now, I usually don't talk about my sexuality that much because I don't think it's a big deal. Being gay isn't who I am, it's just a part of who I am, in fact, a very small part. A lot of gay guys let it run their lives, and you'll find they don't actually have any real personalities, their just really, REALLY gay. I am Jacob before I am gay.
   I don't know how this would factor into my love life... I guess I'll just have to marry my cats (which we all knew was coming anyways).

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

It's a Jungle Out There

    So today I was planning to walk to Starbucks to woo my man, but it then occurred to me, I don't even have enough change to afford a coffee. Not cool, man, not cool.
    I can only hope my barista wasn't too torn up about not seeing me. Well perhaps a bit torn up.... I was. I sat at the computer and over ate while watching 'Mars Attacks!'.

    No one was home, so went through both Amy Winehouse albums pretending to be her. Not to toot my own horn, but I was pretty good. Bitches we tryin' to make me go to rehab for AWESOMENESS, and I was like: 'No, no, noooo!' (....... please excuse that, it's the summer talking, not me).

   Not to mention, if I step outside I'll melt. Not because I'm a witch, but because it's an inferno.

It is summer and I'm a product of my environment. 

WHO WOULD POSSIBLY CHOOSE SCHOOL OVER THIS?!?!??!?!!

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

My YAC Family

   Tomorrow is my YAC show at Stages Repertory Theatre...... when I first started the camp I hated it. I thought the hours were too long, and I missed the comfort of my vanilla-scented room.
   But once I got my head out of my ass, I learned SO MUCH from all the incredible teachers who were WORKING in theatre, who took time out of their busy schedule's to come and visit us. I also realized just how fantastic my ensemble was. No offence PVAers, but as of now, they are the best ensemble I have ever worked with.
   There is an remarkable sense of unity and support between us. We are all ages, yet age never seems to come up. Egos are left at the door. I honestly think everyone single one of them is fantastic at what they do. Not to mention they wrote some AMAZING original work, I mean AMAZING. Also.... they have brought pizza, cake, and cupcakes multiple times. That alone makes them fantastic.

   So tomorrow I have two shows with them, then it's off to the Sia concert with Angie! It's gonna be a great day. 

   Thanks YAC for teaching me so much, and giving me the chance to meet such phenomenal actors and people!

  

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Reasons Why My Life is Cooler Than Yours

IT'S TIME TO SELF-INDULGE!!!
 

1.) My boyfriend is a celebrity.

2.) My boyfriend is Scottish.

3.) My boyfriend is HOT.

4.) I'm a wizard.

5.) My cats dance with me (they resist because they love me).

6.) I name inanimate objects in my room. (i.e. : Purple Blanket, Daggard the Magical Leaf Gnome, Mr. Quills.)

7.) My mom is the most amazing person alive: (if you haven't already gathered from my facebook statuses)

"Isn't our mailman cool looking?!?!" - Mother

"You like his dreads, don't you mom?"

"I DO!!! I find dread locks fascinating."

"Mom, you're so white."

"I know."

....

"I.. uh.... err.... damn it, I had something really intelligent and significant to say, and now I lost it." -Mother

8.) I'm in a gang.

9.) My friends write me erotic stories about my boyfriend and I.

10.) My brother is in a band... and they're actually pretty good.

11.) I once sent one of my ex-crushes a facebook message saying: "I used to like you... now I just think you're an ass." No shame, baby, NO SHAME!!

12.) I have a Britney Spears impression.

13.) I know all the lyrics to "We Belong Together".

14.) I have hips like Shakira.

15.) I'm Ms. Switek's favorite student.

16.) I'm going to ride a baby whale to Prague.

17.) My driver's ed instructor looked EXACTLY like Jane Fonda.

18.) It takes a lot for me to feel awkward.

19.) I have a high tolerance for many things.

20.) I've been called an "eyebrow guru."

21.) Two of my best friends are red-heads.... if that's not an achievement, WHAT IS?!?!?!

22.) My friends are cooler than yours.

23.) I played World of Warcraft for over three years.

24.) I have all three LOTR books, all three movies, all three extended-versions of the movie, had the action figures, played the miniatures game, played the computer game, played the video game, seen two symphony performances of it's score, can play "Concerning Hobbits" on the violin if provided with the sheet music, know all the actor's names, and have even been to the real castle in France which Tolkien based Minas- Tirith on. Need I say more? >:)

25.) I have a Godiva Rewards card.

26.) I have a Swirl card.

27.) I can indentify mystery flavors of jelly beans, and in unknown ingredients in other food.

28.) I have shiny dress shoes, which allow me to slide on marble floors.

28.) I take hideous pictures. Heidi Klum envies me.

29.) I write a kick ass blog! *snort, giggle, snort*

30.) I know my bra-size at Victoria's Secret.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Risen From the Ashes

   This morning one of my favorite music artists, Amy Winehouse, overdosed. Naturally, I was extremely upset. I've been an Amy fan for a long time now, owning pretty much everything she has ever released.
   Unfortunately, Amy was more well known for her drama, addiction, and messy public appearances,  rather than her amazing music. Literally just a few days ago, Isabel was over and we were sitting in my room, jamming to her. My parents would constantly say, "Amy Winehouse? Is she dead yet?" Now I can't believe she really is. Though she was a wreck, she has pumped out some of the greatest albums and lyrics of this generation. She will be sorely missed.

   Just when I felt at my lowest, MS. SWITEK'S POSTCARD CAME FROM PRAGUE!!!! Talk about a light in the darkness. I spasmed when I got, and ran around the house at least twice.

   That's right. Be jelly. This woman is a saint. By far one of my favorite people of all time. 

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Awaiting Rescue After Losing My Purpose in Life

   Mary demanded a new blog post. Which is strange.... because she is in France, and she should not be reading my blog, but instead partying it up with the natives. But I can't resist that blonde's lack of charm and sassy tone..... so here is the rundown:
   I started my theatre camp, and it is okay.... the hours are brutal (9 to 5, like the Dolly Parton) and it gets kinda boring at times. Though we've had a few really cool guest teachers who teach really cool stuff. The kids are nice enough... but I feel kinda strange there. I don't know what it is, but I don't quite feel like myself when I'm there. Meh. I don't know. Naturally I've found the red-head in the group and latched onto her. She gets me. Now I just have to live through 3 more weeks of it. Woop-dee-doo.
  I find myself desperately wanting Junior year to come, so Kirby and I can do the Spain/France trip. I WANT TO TRAVEL, DAMNIT! 
  NOW that all that silly stuff has been stated, we can get onto the more pressing issue: HARRY FUCKING POTTER!!!!
  I saw it with the fabulous Shelby. We went to New York Pizza, and then got on line. Shelb brought HP Uno, so we played that, and I kicked her ass. >:) The movie was.... oh my god. It was everything I could have wished for.
  I cried at the most random times. First, when they were making the shield around Hogwarts, then oddly enough, just at an aerial shot of the Deatheaters destroying Hogwarts. At that moment  it occurred to me that Harry Potter REALLY DOES represent my childhood (well... at least the latter part of my childhood, LOTR dominated the earlier part), and I had grown up with an attachment to Hogwarts Castle, and to see it getting destroyed made me get all watery.
  Then that night, as I was sitting on my bed, and it hit me: There will not be a new Harry Potter movie, and I suddenly got very sad. I was so used to living my life with the steady expectation of a HP movie at the end of each year. WHAT NOW?!?!??!!
  The movie had such an impact on my family and I, that the morning after, my parents and I were drinking coffee talking about the movie and books so loudly we woke my brother up. He grumpily came down and ended up joining in on the conversation. Harry Potter has touched so many lives, including mine, and I will never forget it. On a sidenote, Maggie Smith did kick some SERIOUS ass. <3
*sigh*
P.S. - I just need James to swoop in, and take me to Prague, then we'll go out for drinks with Cate Blanchett, and my bestie, Anne Hathaway, and gag about Harry Potter.  

Your faithful blogster/wizard, Jacob.
  

"We Were Born and Raised, in a Summer Haze."

  There is something about long, lazy summer days that makes you quite emotionally vulnerable. I'm not sure what it is.... My brother left the house fairly early, so that means I've been left to my thoughts, some of which are:

  After watching 'Becoming Jane', I've decided if I absolutely HAD to see James with someone else, it would be Anne Hathaway, because she's.... well she's just fabulous.

 

I also watched Adele's whole entire concert at the iTunes Festival in London. I sat through all one and a half hours, and didn't budge an inch. I can't wait until I see her live when she comes in October.

   I've been a fan of her's since her debut album, '19', and I think her current album, '21', will go down in history as one of the best albums of our generation. It is absolutely phenomenal. For every song she performs and writes, she leaves her heart on her sleeve. She is truly remarkable (not to mention she has a killer personality). One day she shall be my best friend, just you wait!

Ahh well....

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

WOE.

  Ms. Switek's postcard from Prague hasn't come yet....
-_______-

UR%$#*GEUJhgfW(E&t5whgfbsdjdt2u3UIGWE*%=UTWSF73u4tehnd9=08qtw3gr352ui!!!!!!!!!!!


Your disheartened (yet.... still faithful) blogster, Jacob.

The Era of Ugly: Make a Face and Watch While the Suitors Line Up

   So, as you all probably know, my profile picture on facebook is terrifically awful. (Quick explanation: We put so much time and effort into looking good in our defaults, so I decided to fuck it, and put the most unattractive picture possible. So yes, I am aware that I look bad, I am not delusional.)
  I thought I would be getting un-friended after setting that as my profile picture, so you can imagine my shock when someone added me, and you can surely imagine my further shock when this person flirted with me over chat.
 Clearly this boy must have been dropped on his head as a baby, my profile picture is repulsive, and only funny to those who know me. But none the less, he called it "perfection." So it makes me wonder... has a new era dawned? The era of ugly people? It's about time.
  If I had known making ugly faces would attract men, I would have been doing it all along (... oh wait.)

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

   If you're wondering where I get my weird-ness from, wonder no longer. The question has been answered through a rather bizarre texting conversation with my father:
"Is Isabel there?" - Dad
"No, no one is here." - Jacob
"Plans fell through?" - Dad
"Si." -Jacob
"The best laid plans of mice and men..."
"Literary references.... really, dad?"
"I am a doctor of philosophy after all."
"Oh yeah dad, you're a real Plato sometimes. That was sarcasm, incase that wasn't clear over text."
"Explaining your jokes is never a good sign."
"I don't like you."
"But I love you :-(."
"Lies if you loved me you wouldn't abuse me so."
"You have so much to learn about abuse, my pretty."
"AWWWW YOU CALLED ME PRETTY! That's a start."
- he then says he wants to make pizza from scratch-
And we picked up my mom and Matt from the airport listening to the Tracy Chapman CD.
My life is too strange.


Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Thou Shalt Not Sin (well... perhaps a little bit....)

   Tears are rolling down my face, whilst I am typing. I am facing one of the biggest teen decisions of my life (other than the notorious: "Boxers vs. Whitey-Tighties), shall I be an adulterer? Unless you live under a rock (meaning you don't read my blog, because it's totes the new fad, Kim Kardashian tweets about it all the time... ya know... on her other twitter account), you are aware of the blossoming relationship between James Mcavoy and I.
   He is wonderful, and everything I could have wished for. I don't know why I didn't see this before, but after many hours of sunflower petal-picking, and excessive listening to Sarah McLachlan, I have come to my senses. James is the true love of my life, and Michael Fassbender, as alluring as he may seem, he is not worth losing James over.

  You see, over the last few months I have dug myself into a deep shit-hole. I began an affair with yet another actor, Michael Fassbender. To make things even more twisted, James and Michael just finished a movie together, and have become close friends. It would tear James apart if he discovered I was "doing the nasty" with one of his best friends.

  So I must swallow my tears, man up, and do the right thing, which is to end my affair with Michael. All will be mended.

 













Your faithful adulterer, Jacob.

The Best Lyrics the World Has to Offer

  These are, by far, my favorite lyrics to awkwardly scream out in the supermarket. They are crude and I love them:
"Or should I be a lady? Cause I wanna have his babies."
Song: It Kills Me
Artsit: Melanie Fiona

"When I think about you, I touch myself."
Song: I Touch Myself
Artist: The Divinyls

"Why you so upset? Baby, you were there. I was thinking of you when I came." ; "I drank so much, and I needed to touch."
(literally this whole song is full of wonderfully frank verses like this, it's a must listen, it is so clever)
Song: I Heard Love is Blind
Artist: Amy Winehouse

"I hear ya lovin' your girlfriend, I hear ya lovin' yourself too."  (one of the wordiest and amazing songs you will ever hear)
Song: Palov's Daughter
Artist: Regina Spektor

"Then you make this noise... and it's apparent it's all over." ; "You're supposed to care, but you never make me scream." ; "Now I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed, I'm feeling pretty damn hot done by, I spent ages giving head."
Song: Not Fair
Artist: Lilly Allen

"I wish you were more intelligent, so you could see that what you're doing is so shitty."
Song: D******d
Artist: Kate Nash

"If I had a dollar-bill for all the things I've done... there'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin." ; "You can fool with your brother, but don't mess with a missonary man." ; "He said, 'Stop whatcha doing, get down upon your knees, I've a message for you that you better believe."
Song: Missonary Man
Artist: Eurythmics

"Intelligent input darling... why don't you just have another beer then."
Song: Foundations
Artist: Kate Nash

"And are you thinking of me, when you fuck her?"
Song: You Outta Know
Artist: Alanis Morissette

"They say I better get a chaperone, because I can't stop messing with my danger zone."
Song: She Bop
Artist: Cyndi Lauper

"Call before you come, so I can shave my cho-cha."
Song: Work It
Artist: Missy Elliot

"And if anything grows when you pose... I'll oil you up, and rub you down. DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!"
Song: Touch-a-Touch-a-Touch-Me
Artist: Rocky Horror Picture Show

"Luckily my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains."
Song: Whenever, Wherever
Artist: Shakira
(also the whole entire 'Gordita'... that is one nasty song)

"Startin' to feel just a little abused, like a coffee machine in an office." (most accurate lyrics ever written, perhaps?)
Song: She Wolf
Artist: Shakira

"It's been a long since before I've been touched.... now I'm getting touched all the time, and it's a matter of whom, and it's only a matter of when."
Song: Dance Anthem of the 80's
Artist: Regina Spektor

"We could do it just you in me.... or three.... or four.... ON THE FLOOR."
Song: 3
Artist: Britney Spears

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Confessions of a Facebook Stalker

   There is one thing we are all guilty of. It's not adultery, murder, or insider-trading, but facebook stalking. One of the many perks of the modern age is the ability to know everything about your friends, and in turn, your enemies.
I'm going to generalize, and say there are 3 categories in which the people we creep fall under:
1.) Crushes - We constantly want to see what the latest victim of our admiration is up to. We look through their photos hoping we don't see them with anyone else, and if we do, we secretly make voodoo dolls of the offenders, and refuse to 'like' that photo. (since we usually like every other photo our crush posts)
2.) Fascinating Folk - If you're anything like me, you enjoy studying people, and facebook is a fantastic platform for that. I find myself looking at peoples' profiles who I am not particularly friends with/nor have a crush on, but just to see their interactions with other people.
3.) The Nemesis's - In a very 'Godfather' style, we like to: "Keep our friends close... but our enemies closer." And facebook is just peachy for that. You look at their photos and statuses and find yourself thinking: BAHA! They don't look cute in that photo, or , Psssh, they think because 100 people liked their status, they're cool! BITCH PLEASE!
   I hope you stalk me, as much as I stalk you.

Your faithful stalker (HA! Kidding, I mean *blogster), Jacob.

That Old-Timey Sultry

 Where has 'classy sexy' gone? I know that sounds like a contradiction, but I can't help miss when showing less was more sexy than showing it all. It left some to the imagination, and gave a sense of mystique. Lately I've been obsessed with the clip of "Big Spender" from 'Sweet Charity' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG3VfKlfDEk). The choreography is so suttle, yet so effective.
  For example, look at burlesque. It's sexy, entertaining, and even empowering to women. There is a reason burlesque audiences are filled with both men AND women, regardless of sexuality. Burlesque represents the final struggle of that old-time sultry..... now we just have Hooters.
  Why can't we live in the olden days?

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

My Summer Crusade

Our hair will always disappoint us, and our teeth will always appear coffee-stained no matter how hard we scrub them. We shall always be bloated, and our favorite clothes will never be clean.
We will always be 1 point away from a perfect GPA, and our favorite bootleg websites will always crash.    
Youtube will always force us to watch commercials.
Diamonds and eyebrows are the only things that are forever.

   I mean, why do we try to look pretty? There's NO POINT! Our lovers need to get used to the way we normally look, so they won't feel as though they've been deceived when they wake up beside us in the morning. So join me in my crusade against being attractive. Let's show the world who we REALLY are! >:)
   From here on out, I forgo boys, combs, and snobby people. It's just gonna be me, Purple Blanket, and Daggard in my room, dancing until we make it.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Purple Domination

  Better watch out. We're back. We are furious that we recieved no truffles. Now feel our wrath.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Where for Art Thou, Lazy Summer?

   I'm kinda missing that "summer" feeling of just lying around doing absoloutely nothing, since I have drivers' ed from 2:30-4:30pm.... the most awkward time of the day. Which means I can do very little before and after the class. This, my friends, suckiths.
   After drivers' ed, (in 3 more weeks D: ) I have about a week break until my Stages camp.... meh. I have a bad feeling about that camp, I tell you. Don't ask me why, but I just do.
  Prague? Now? Please?

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

The Status Left Unspoken

  That awkward moment where someone shares something on their facebook status that is far too personal and no one responds.
    I would put this as my facebook status, but I don't want to run the chance of someone confronting me, and I end up telling them to go "Suck Tom Cruise's penis!!" (that wouldn't be productive for either of us, don't cha think?) And I don't have enough rep or friends (AKA servants who flock to my natural vanilla scent) to survive the ripple effect that "Suck Tom Cruise's penis!" would cause.     
    So, if you are in need of expressing anger or annoyance, MAKE A BLOG! We can call these, blog statuses! I'm a genius. Quick, call a patent agent!!!

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

P.S. - Truffle. (just thought I would throw that in there, since it's been awhile)

The Diminishing English Language (with a less than friendly narrator)

  DISCLAIMER: This may be slightly offensive to some people. So turn away now.... if u r $3n$itiv3 or if u r @ pub1icA11y @ckn0w13dg3d hip$3r.
  
   The English language has become a joke. Thanks to texting and facebook, everyone speaks like an idiot. Then they make people who actually have the vocabulary of the standard 6th grader seem pretentious. "No, I'm not trying to show off how smart I am, I'm just speaking like a normal human being."
   I mean COME ON PEOPLE! Let's have some respect for our ears. We're almost as bad as cavemen now with all of our acronyms and abbreviations like: SMH, HMU, TBU, etc.
   Also, apparently another new fad is to misuse words and change their meaning:
Boo (and any of its other "forms" such as boothang, etc.) - Boo is not a term of endearment.... it is the sound a ghost makes.
Trick - Trick is a verb, not a noun.
Amazeballs - ..... do I really have to explain why?
Hipster - I have a serious issue with people calling other people hipsters, and I've kept my mouth shut until now. First of all, when I think hipsters, I think hippies. Secondly, when people call someone else a hipster, they usually use this with a negative connotation. "Oh look at that hipster, he thinks he is so cool." (well isn't that what being hip means...? So technically, you're calling him cool.) Also, thinking you're too cool for the people who think "they are too cool" doesn't make you any better.
  If you feel the need to be outside of the box when it comes to your vocab, try pronouncing words with funny accents. For example, you could say lover in a French accent so it's pronounced [love-air], and so on and so forth.
   In the words of one of my friends: "Can't we just speak the Queen's language?"

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Of James Mcavoy and All Things Marvelous

    As you all know, I am currently in a serious relationship with Scottish actor, James Mcavoy. We are very happy together, and he frequently makes secret visits to me out in Houston. But unfortunately he has to commute back and forth from Scotland to the States until we settle together in Prague.
   He's everything I could have ever wanted in a guy.....
1.) Smart
2.) Sexy
3.) Funny
4.) Foreign

    Anywho, true to my 'Sex and the City' fashion. I think we are in the stage of our relationship where it becomes necessary for him to meet my friends. Here he is, in a rather sexual interview.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84K29i0zZPc

I hope you all like him!.... and if you don't...... then fuck you.












Your faithful (at least to James, that is) blogster, Jacob.

Another Excerpt: "Starbucks"

Yet another excerpt from my autobiography: "Rambles of a Mad Man: The Autobiography of Jacob Seferian." (and I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not copy the name from the blog, in fact, I had started my autobio before creating the blog.)

               

               So, I hit a certain age where I felt as though I was independent. I could now go places with my friends without a chaperone; I thought I was pretty bad ass. So when they opened up a Starbucks near my house, I was immediately ecstatic.

                It was summer, and my childhood brotha-from-anotha-motha, (yes, those misspellings are intentional. That’s how we rolled in 2006.)  Charles, pretty much hung out with each other every day that sixth grade summer. (Partially because we had no other friends, but also because Charles was smart, and knew one day I’d be famous and write a book, and he wanted in on it.)

                Well anyways, we were always advent lovers of coffee, so we rode our scooters through the blazing heat that is Houston in the summertime, for about a mile before reaching our destination. As we entered the store, one of the employees teased us. “Oh my, look it’s the scooter gang, better not mess with you guys.”

I shot him a look, as if to say, “Don’t diss the scooters, man, we’ve got friends in high places.” But none the less, his teasing had worked; I never rode a scooter to a public place again. Thanks a lot, asshole, I hope you got burned by scolding coffee.

So anyways, after that faithful summer day, a pattern started. Over the years I would go to Starbucks to study, read, and just to enjoy the coffee (or if I really felt like celebrating, a frappacino). I came so often, they even memorized my order.

I met various employees. Some were nice, and others were just cruel. One girl said I came pretty much every day, and felt it necessary to point out I had always came alone. (I hope her and the scooter mocker met a similar fate.) But there was one who definitely stood out, and that is Mr. Mocha (more frequently referred to as Jacob’s Starbucks Man.)

I first met him with Isabel. At the time, I thought nothing of this, until that bitch stole him, but we’ll get to that later.

Well, he served us, and remarked at how attractive he was. So we hung around until later, and then he walked over and talked to us. He told us he was a graduate of HSPVA for vocals, and our minds were blown. He then asked if Isabel was a dancer (which in HSPVA code was: “Damn girl, you got one nice body.” Let’s just say, no one ever mistook me for a dancer.)

 “Oh no, she’s in art,” I blurted out. I needed to set the record straight. Anyways, we chatted than walked back to my house.

The next few times I saw Mr. Mocha he didn't seem to notice me, that was, until I brought Isabel along. They never spoke but he smiled at her. So if you ever find Isabel floating dead in a bayou, let’s just say she had it coming.

“Operation: Seduce Starbucks Man” is still in progress. So I’ll keep you updated.

                 

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

A Review of Freshman Year

  As freshman year draws to a close... I'd like to that this excerpt from my autobiography and dedicate it to my wonderful friends, it kinda sounds like a end of the year speech, so I thought I'd share it. :) Enjoy.

              As high school began, something changed. I got more moody, and didn’t want to surround myself with all these loud, obnoxious theatre folk that I had once idolized.

                HSPVA changes you in many ways, but the perhaps the most apparent change would be in your fashion. Unlike most high schools, HSPVA had no dress code, and you could pretty much wear anything you wanted, and people did.

                Now, I was no trend setter, but I had found a style that worked for me. This style consisted of cute t-shirts with funny slogans, and form-fitting jeans. This all went downhill when we were required to wear sweats and loose clothing for dance and movement classes. It was like a revelation, I had never experienced sweats before. Needless to say, I instantly fell in love.

                I then began to wear clothing I proclaimed as my: “Fat Suit”. This usually included: sweats, and baggy t-shirts that were at least two sizes too large for me. Despite dieting and exercising and loosing twenty-seven pounds since 8^th grade, my body was still not where I wanted it to be. So I gravitated towards large clothing that didn’t make me feel self-conscience and fat.

                My style was the first to go, then was the hygiene. Now, I always brushed my teeth, and put on deodorant, do not fear. But my hair, which has always been a poof ball of death, began to aggravate me like no other. I was in a predicament. If not combed, it would look like a bird’s nest, but then when combed; it would often poof out to much at the top and look silly. So I began not to care. I used to shower and comb my hair every day, but half-way through freshman year I would skip every other day and show up to school a mess. (This was also partly to the fact that I would always stay on late and wake up too exhausted to shower.)

                One day, I had to do a scene in which I had just been woken up, so I decided to go to school in “costume”. My ruffled my hair, put one of my old favorite baggy shirts, but unfortunately, had now developed an ominous grease stain, and wore my checkered pajamas bottoms, and brought a pillow as I prop. As I walked into school, a group of my so-called “friends” literally busted out laughing at me.

                Staying true to my bubbly morning persona, I told them all to go to hell, and walked to my first period, where my ever so sassy friend, Kirby, made fun of me the whole class. And you wonder why I didn’t like people? One of my best friends said I looked like a “hobo”, and my vocal teacher decided to put it more delicately as “hobo chic”.

                On the rare occasion that I had things to do after school that somewhat resembled a life, I would comb my hair and return back to my usual style, and people would be shocked that I actually looked decent. Let’s just say, I clean up nicely.

* * * * * * * * * *

                Freshman year was by no means a bad year, in fact, it was a very good year. Towards the end of the year, I actually became confident in my acting abilities, after a shaky start in the beginning of the year. But more importantly, I became confident in who I was as a person. I actually felt like an individual. This could not have been achieved without the help of my amazing group of friends. There is a lyric to a song that says: “Only surround yourself with friends who call you a superstar.” And that’s exactly what I did. The amount of respect and love in my circle was unprecedented in my life before, and I would dare to say, even in the school.

                I grew distant from the majority of my theatre class, for strange reasons, mostly because the other gay boy in our class had taken it upon himself to hate me. Despite his friends actually liking me, it was just awkward to be around someone who you knew just hated your guts for pretty much no reason.

                But I found a group of four friends in theatre whom I adored and made me laugh. We loved each other for all of our flaws, but most importantly they were smart and funny. I could be myself with them, and not for one moment did they not understand my sense of humor or personality. We decided to make our gang official, and dubbed ourselves “The Bandersnatches” (after the Lewis Carroll creations).

                My only other close friend in theatre was a beautiful redhead girl named, Shelby.  Shelby and I were just the kind of people who were meant to be friends. From the moment we met, it was nothing but laughter. We bonded over the fact that we both didn’t take ourselves too seriously, and as others dived into the emotional activities in theatre so much so that it made it appear as if they were trying too hard, we took backseat and watched. Honestly, I think we were the lucky ones. We were able to brush off our fumbles and mistakes without any breakdowns, always knowing that tomorrow we’d laugh our asses off.

                Outside of theatre, my circle of friends was very diverse. It was made up of dancers, artists, and instrumentalists. They were amazing, and we just had fun. While all other circles were talking about their art areas and drama, we would sit back, and talk about the most useless things.

                I learned not to be afraid to screw up and speak your mind. It’s always better to do something that is you, than tell people what they want to hear.  While others around me would try to impress the teachers, I decided I would just be myself, and if that didn’t impress them, oh well.

                I’m more comfortable with myself and my surroundings than I have ever been in my life, and it’s all thanks to my incredible friends and my vanilla scented oasis that I call my room. You have made me feel so special. Thanks for making freshman year the best! I love you all.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Longing for a Change

So.... everything is going well in Jacobville.
I have found an amazing group of friends,
I am in control of my grades,
I love who I am.
.... but I want something to happen. I just feel like something MAJOR needs to come along....
Meh....

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Nostalgia #2

  Now, call me a loser, but I love Enya. (Yes, the Irish New Age singer, that Enya). Her music is just beautiful, and I've always been interested in ancient history, and her use of Gallic language just makes me squeel with joy. Not to mention my favorite song of her's: "May It Be" is from the LOTR: Return of the King soundtrack.... which just brings back a flood of memories of when I was younger.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww8wqEgFIA8
Check it out.

Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Nostalgia

   Most of you probably have a sibling who you  credit as a major influence your life. But since my brother and I aren't that close, I have always found comfort in my "big sister", Leah.
  Leah was our neighbor, and she began babysitting me when she was 16 years old, and then stopped once I graduated 8th grade. (now, to be honest, we stopped needing her at around 7th grade, but she grew so close to me, that she became part of the family, and none of us could bare to see her go.)
  Ever since that faithful day, when Leah came into our lives, she has meant the world to me. She may not know it, but she helped me through a lot of hard times, sometimes, without even trying.
   I did everything with her. We'd go shopping, watch movies, sing, fight (oh yes, notorious fights), cry, and most certainly LAUGH together... The best was summer, when we'd have absolutely nothing to do, so we'd sit and play World of Warcraft together for hours, then taking a break to go to Starbucks or the neighborhood pool. The world was our oyster, and I'll never forget when she'd come over in the morning, and occasionally surprise me with a mocha from El Rey (which are delicious, you must try them) and we'd split it.

  I can't even begin to tell you how much she has shaped me as a human being.... from teaching me how to be a better person, down to my taste in music. I'll never forget us belting out the words to our favorite musicals in her car, and how we would sometimes ride in silence, bewitched by the beautiful music of Regina Spektor (every album, no joke, we went through them all).

  We began to refer to ourselves as siblings, when Leah tried to explain to her friends who I was. She knew that saying "the boy I babysit" would not nearly cover how close we were, and how much we talked about each other. She then began introducing me as the "little brother" she never had. And then it stuck. Afterall, we would laugh, fight, and cry like a brother and sister would. And there I found the kind of connection, and love that I couldn't find with my real brother. (though, it is not just his fault, I am to blame as well.)

  She was someone who I could always talk too, and has made me happier than anyone else in the world. I even get a little teary eyed just typing up this blog now.... no matter who's womb she came from, she is, and will always be my true big sister. I love you Leahs. <3

(she's the one of the right)

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your blogster, Jacob.

This is a Blog.... Not a Diary

   I read Natasha's blog and I love how open and careless she can be since she, unlike the stupid Jacob, hasn't posted a link to her blog on facebook. I sometimes want to make posts only close friends can see, but then I realized that I have made my blog accessible to the public, and actually encouraged people to visit it. Which is something I'm starting to regret..... I've come to the sad conclusion that this is a blog, not a diary.
                              *     *     *    *     *     *     *     *    *   *    *     *     *
  This whole weekend has been a blurr, and though I have done my homework, I am sure I am forgetting something.... ay.


Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
your faithful blogster, Jacob.

Sleepwalking and Epiphanies

   This whole Saturday has felt as though I'm sleep walking.... unlike the other wimps at the lock in, I stayed up the whole night, not one moment did I close my eyes. BAM!!! Commitment.
   The lock in was a lot of fun, and a lot of things were revealed to me. We really shouldn't be jealous of anyone else... because we don't know everything about them, and I found out they are more fucked up then us, and we really have nothing to be jealous of. So... I guess I'm trying to say be happy if you like yourself, and if you don't, starting doing so.

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your blogster, Jacob.

Long Live the Purple Blanket

   As many of you faithful followers know, Purple Blanket and I are planning world domination. It's tough though.... taking over the world is no easy feat. We're currently trying to enlist the help of the magical leaf gnome, Daggard (he's the one Noemie kissed, thinking he would grant her a wish). But he's not being cooperative, and keeps pushing for the new capital of the world to be the lily pad floating the Trevi Fountain. We tell him this isn't feasible, considering we are not all as tiny as him... but gnomes will be gnomes.

*sigh* .... Daggard .....

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your blogster, Jacob.

A Genius Gone Unnoticed

  I'm like Van Gough and Emily Dickinson... my genius goes unappreciated. People just don't understand how witty I am. I'm like Diablo Cody on speed (and with a penis). Hopefully, unlike many of the greats, I will be given credit before I'm six feet under. That is all. So savor me (like a truffle).

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your blogster, Jacob.

The Manly Escape of Burly and Manhands

   As Manhands and Burly sit in the mancave discussing manly matters of manliness, they came to a decision, on HSPVA, Montrose, the universe, and of all things good, evil, and Cate Blanchett. We just don't want to deal with it.... and we won't. We shall sneak away in the dead of the manly morn, shrouded in our manly (somewhat) cloaks of invisibility, and ride baby whales to Helsinki, where we spend a rather hazy two weeks, having liaisons with the metal god beauties of Finland.
   But one night after partying, Burly awakes in quite a frenzy. He has an epiphany. As wonderful as Helsinki is, it is not the place for him, Prague is where his true heart lies. So, he slips away, of course not without wedging a note between Natasha and her newest lover, Emerson Burton (who is really booster gold) containing an explanation for his sudden change of heart.
   There, on the streets of Prague, wandering around mindlessly, Jacob meets his lover, James Mcavoy. They embrace, and well... the rest is history.
  Now, I am sure you are all dying to know, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE OTHER BANDERSNATCHES?!?!?!
      ...................................................
  Notorious finally finds true love, well... maybe not so true. You see, she conveniently finds herself by the side of a recently widowed Hugh Jackman, after having "accidently" pushing his wife down a winding staircase. She then proceeds to use Jackman as a stepping stone to what would become a long and scandalious career in Hollywood, and would submerge as one of the centuries greatest actresses.
   Cuddly, being not so flashy as Notorious, lives a quiet, quaint life working in a neighborhood book store, which she co-owns with her charming and handsome husband. They are the proud parents of twins, and are truly happy.  
   The Bandersnatches never lost touch. :)

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your faithful bloster, Jacob (ft. NATASHA xxoo)










  

Unlucky or Delusional?: The Self-Indulgant Post

    So, I really don't mean to sound like a broken record, but all of my close friends are starting to have lovers (boyfriends). And then there's me... lone, strange, the one who talks to himself FAR too much to be healthy, Jacob. Now, don't get me wrong, my imaginary relationship with James Mcavoy and affair with Michael Fassbender are quite satisfying, but it'd be nice to actually have a love-air who knows you exist.
   The worst part is I have amazing friends who do nothing but cradle my self-esteem and tell me how amazing I am 24/7. (they are honestly incredible... I have never been as comfortable with myself or my friends than I am now. You should only surround yourself with friends who call you a superstar, and lord knows I have! :D) This makes me egotistical and I think: "Well if I am so fabulous, then why don't I have a boyfriend?"
   Now, I know I sound like the everyday teenage girl, but you have to see where I am coming from. Being gay, I have never actually been in a relationship with someone I am truly physically attracted to, nor have I ever been kissed. (Though, through living vicariously through my friends relationships, I feel as if I've kissed half the city, and feel far more experienced than I actually am.)
   Now I pose the question, am I truly as wonderful as they say and merely have not been graced with the presence of a boyfriend because of circumstance? Or am really just delusional and need to shrink my massive head and get over myself?
Perhaps a bit of both. ;)

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.
Your faithful blogster, Jacob.

If I Could....

If I could.... sing I would pursue a recording career (no joke, I love to study music artists and their stastics, yeah... I'm a dork)
If I could...... do anything, it would be able to transform into any animal in the world. (I've always had the secret desire to fly)
If I could..... do anything with my life it would be act. (*queue corny 'awww's)
If I could..... rule the world, I'd make everyone eat truffles.
If I could.... have a celebrity best friend it would either be Tina Fey or Anne Hathaway.
If I could..... move to Prague, I would be content. (...maybe)
If I could....

Thank you sole follower, whomever you may be.

Above the Influence (of Franco)

    Word on the street is James Franco may come to school to help with the creative writing program.... if he does, I shall not shake his hand. I WON'T I TELL YOU!!!! Even if he extends it too me, and the only remotely civil thing to do is take it.... I WILL RESIST! Say no to the Franco. He is a greasy, awful little man.
ANNE HATHAWAY FOR LIFE!

The Cry of a Lonely Child

    I want truffles. Truffles upon truffles, upon TRUFFLES! I would marry a truffle... I mean they are cute, their insides taste like caramel. SO much better than humans.
   I am currently obsessed with the score of 'Jane Eyre', it's phenonmenal, and the man who plays Mr. Rochester, Michael Fassbender. Two beautiful things.

  Still awaiting Prague.....

Thank you sole follower, whoever you may be.

The Age of the Eyebrow and the Purple Blanket

   Due to the world's actions (as stated below), I have decided that my purple blanket and I (who made cameos on facebook when I was grounded during Spring Break) will take over the world. We will demand everyone wear Elizabethan wigs and play the harp, because that's how we role.
   Also, like in Jerusalem, there will be a siren that is sounded twice a day, and no matter what you're doing, you must stop and Shakira dance for the minimum of 2 minutes. Along with these new laws, olives and unibrows will be banned, and all James Franco movies, burned.
   The new capital of the world shall be shifted to Prague, where purple blanket and I will make all executive decisions regarding the world. Barbra Streisand will be employed as my personal jester to sing for me on demand. There will also be international holidays of pure dancing. All day, all night.

So start sucking up. Bring us truffles, or be executed.

Thank you sole follower, whoever you may be.

The Bitchy Post

I don't like people. They are mean. This is why I want to go to Prague... a new start with a new lover. (James Mcavoy). People are just nasty and vindictive and have egos bigger than my nose. I much prefer my own company than that of the cruel world.
Thank you sole follower, whoever you may be.

To Starbucks? Or not to Starbucks?

   So there is a highly attractive employee at my neighborhood Starbucks. (he actually went to HSPVA as vocal student, don't fear, I am not stalking him, he told me this). I am going to seduce him. Not quite sure how... but I am. There is a tiny snag... I think he likes Isabel. Everytime we go, he always smiles or looks at her. It's very upsetting. But today everything will change. >:)

I Have Superb Taste in People

   Tonight made me realize I have great friends. They are smart, witty, funny, and just all around amazing. They make me smile and squeal with joy. I hope your friends are as cool as mine.
And as a side note.... today I watched 'The Reader' and it was stunning, one of the most emotionally and intellectually stimulating movies I have ever seen... .. that is all, it's a short one tonight, but don't fear solitary follower, tomorrow is sunday (a.k.a. that awkward day of the weekend where you can't go out because school is the next day, but don't have anything to do) so that means many random blog posts.

Thank you sole follower, whoever you may be.

The Birth of a Blogster

   I have made a blog for one reason.... I like myself. More specifically, I like talking about myself. And what better place to do it than on a blog? After all, isn't the whole point of a blog yourself? I mean you have to be pretty self absorbed to make a blog, and luckily, I am.
  Before I continue, I would like to thank Natasha for telling me about this website, and probably being my only follower for the rest of my life. I'm going to have lots of fun with this, trust me.
  Let me see... what did I do today? Or maybe I should begin with saying what DIDN'T I do today? I got to gossip with my favorite teacher, Ms. Switek, about Lily Allen and Prague. (Beeteedubs, Prague is my dream home, and I am obsessed with going there one day, and this will most likely not be the only post in which Prague is mentioned.) I had a fabulous lunch outside, and it was such a beautiful day. Then after a good hour of sleeping through the notes in my geography class, we got to go outside and "work" on our homework. I then proceeded to rehearsals. (Let me just say that a rehearsal on a friday is a cruel and evil trick of nature, and should be outlawed forever.) But it was actually a lot of fun since we just ran from technical queue to technical queue and were allowed to royally fuck up our lines and act like fools. (well... at least I think we were allowed to... I can't be quite sure.) Then I went home, interpretive danced, felt fat, changed into a baggy shirt, then created this blog. Exciting friday, wouldn't you say so? :) I hereby decree myself a blogster.

Thank you sole follower, whoever you may be.